https://www.amazon.com/Danish-Way-Parenting-Happiest-Confident
This was not only about parenting, but how to live your life. Written by a Danish ex-teacher/psychotherapist and an American cultural researcher married to a Dane for over a decade who lived in Denmark for a while. They wanted to find out what makes Danish kids and parents the happiest people on earth. What do they do differently to give them this title?
This also made me think about the Montessori approach to learning as well, and another good book I read was: https://www.amazon.com/Montessori-Toddler-Parents-Raising-Responsible
The common thing is that they focus on how we relate to the child, but also focus on the type of environment we give them, and how we respond in certain situations. It’s not only about the child, it’s also about the adults. And a common theme that I’ve been learning about, is that we first have to deal with ourselves before we can deal with our children and their learning and behavior.
I like that she is an American who can give us the Danish perspective but also can give us the comparison to our country and way of life because she lived both. It’s not just a Danish person telling us how good they are and what we can do better. Their framework is below:
PARENT
P: play
A: authenticity
R: reframing
E: empathy
N: no ultimatums
T: togetherness or Hygge (coziness)
These sound like all relatively easy concepts and ideas to understand and put into practice.
PLAY
“Play” meaning left to their own devices to play by themselves or with other kids, how they want and how long they want.
Play is the most important thing for kids to do. It teaches them resilience, how to deal with stress, and deal with other kids and personalities. In the US, studies are showing the decrease in play is what is contributing to anxiety in children. We push kids to join sports and dance and do all these extracurriculars and to do competitions so they can win, but when do they have time to play? We hear other people filling their kids schedules, and think maybe we’re doing the wrong thing by not doing that, so we do it too.
I’ve been thinking about this recently too. When I think back to Kindergarten, we had play time for most of the day AND nap time. And I still learned how to write my name and to add. There must’ve been something to that and I really feel that removal is what is leading our kids to be behind (plus the introduction and distractions of technology). Now, 3K is like Kindergarten and we force them to sit and learn and by 4k there isn’t nap time. No wonder that by the time they get to middle school they rebel—they’re sick of doing work! Recess is squeezed into the lunch period which is barely enough time for these kids to move. And then we wonder why childhood obesity is on the rise in this country as well.
I liked the Swedish idea of Play Patrol—play for the younger elementary students is facilitated by the older ones. They play things like hide and seek and encourage all to join in. It seems to reduce bullying and foster social skills and self control.
Fun fact: Legos were made by a dane in 1932 and means “play well”
Authenticity
“For Danes, authenticity begins with an understanding of our own emotions. If we teach our children to recognize and accept their authentic feelings, good and bad, and act in a way that’s consistent with tier values, the challenges and rough patches in life won’t topple them”
- Once again the theme of knowing ourselves and being resilient comes up as it did in Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly. These themes continue so it must say something about how we should be operating if all these different ideas and viewpoints are saying the same things
- They do not over praise their children. If a child gives you a scribble drawing, people usually would say, ‘wow you’re such a good artist!’. Instead, they focus on asking about the drawing itself–why did you choose those colors? What is it? The same sort of idea for Montessori as well
Interesting fact: “studies conducted on cheating in schools confirm that students today are far more likely to cheat in order to get high grades than in previous generations, a reflection of increased pressure to achieve coupled, in many cases, with a fixed mind-set”
REFRAMING
Language is important to create a perception shift–in our children AND ourselves.
“Danish parents are good at helping their children conceptualize their emotions and then guiding them into finding something more constructive, instead of a disparaging or limited belief. This is the heart of reframing”.
Realistic optimism– Danes teach their kids early to reframe that leads to resilience as adults.
I liked this example: ask a Dane what he thinks of the weather when it’s freezing and raining. He’ll answer such things as “Glad I’m not on holiday!” and “it’s a good thing I’m at work”.
It’s not just being exaggeratedly positive, they don’t think everything is rainbows and unicorns, they just think that there is another side of the coin. One that maybe we didn’t consider and maybe we should for our own benefit.
My favorite saying I’ve heard is “There isn’t bad weather, only bad clothing!”
I try to always remember that and it really helps to flip my perspective when I think that I can’t take my child outside. As long as it’s not dangerous, what’s the problem? Put on an extra layer and go have fun. Kids don’t think of those things. They just see the stick they want to bang around and the leaves to jump in. WE have a problem.
Limiting language– when we say things like ‘I’m terrible at cooking’ and ‘I’m bad at math’ it is very limiting. And when we say these things in front of our kids we are just showing them that if we don’t believe we can, then they shouldn’t either. Monkey see, monkey do. That is why it is very important for us to be mindful of our words
- Just as Brene Brown says, we can be messy but we are not a mess. So again, if kids are constantly hearing from you, ‘he never listens’ or ‘she’s a picky eater’ over and over again, they start to believe it right. Self fulfilling prophecy.
- Shift focus from what you can’t do, to what you can do
- Use humor to reframe
EMPATHY
“Empathy is the ability to recognize and understand the feelings of others. It is the ability to feel what someone else feels–not only to feel for him but to feel with him”
Studies show that empathy has dropped since the 1980’s but narcissism has increased twofold. “Narcissism is an inflated view of the self, which tends to separate the self from others and to inhibit formation of meaningful relationships”.
They go on to question whether we are able to open up to others to say what is going on with us or our kids and that it seems like we are doing it less because people don’t want to be vulnerable and seem like a bad parent.
We have started to see more of that opening up on social media and I personally always try to share the bad and the good and use humor to relate to people. Because we have all gone through this, or are going through this, but for some reason we feel the need to hide it. To hide behind only the good pics on social media.
This book even references Brene Brown and her idea that people are afraid to be vulnerable because they are afraid of disconnection. “We so much want social connection that we become afraid to say something that might make another person reject us”. But being vulnerable is what brings us closer so you can see how that is a problem.
How do the Danes learn to be empathic?
- There is a mandatory national program as early as preschool called Step by Step. Kids are shown pictures of different emotions and talk about them. They learn empathy, problem solving, self-control, and how to read facial expressions.
- Another program is called CAT-kit. This is used to improve emotional awareness and empathy and focuses on how to articulate experiences, thoughts, feelings, and senses.
- The Mary Foundation (created by Princess Mary), has an anti bullying program–Free of Bullying. 3-8 year olds talk about bullying and teasing so they can learn to become more caring toward each other. 98% of teachers say they would recommend it to other institutions.
- In school they mix children of different strengths and weaknesses together. They put together outgoing students with shy ones and strong academics with weaker ones, this is done subtly after the teacher gets to know everyone and then seats them accordingly. The goal is that everyone has positive qualities and tries to help each other reach the next level. It fosters collaboration, teamwork, and respect
In Denmark empathy is taught in the classroom from young until 16 years old. We, in America, have no real curriculum for this. We don’t think of the child as a person who needs to learn and grow and be a part of our society as an adult, we see them as a test taking stat. Academics is one thing, but once they graduate from school, they become a citizen of our community–are we making the best citizens we can?
I can tell you, we don’t do things like this in our school system. Maybe there’s a school out there that’s an outlier but we phone it in as with most things. We have a day celebration of something or put up posters about bullying and mindfulness and call it a good job. Imagine teaching these things from young as a way of life. You learn by repetition and modeling not doing something once in a while.
They also point out emotions of others and say things like:
‘Victor is crying. Why do you think he’s crying?’
‘I can see you’re upset, can you try to tell me why?’
They don’t say things like :
‘You have nothing to cry about–stop crying!’
‘You should be happy!’
NO ULTIMATUMS
Ultimatums are an immediate conflict– I win, you lose
This book cited that 19 states in the U.S. still allow corporal punishment (hitting students with a cane or paddle for misbehaving) in schools and are technically still allowed in private schools. I was a little shocked by these stats.
Danish schools promote democracy by having students create the rules together with their teacher every year
- Teachers discuss what it means to have a good class and what values and behaviors they think they should implement
- Everyone decides on a code of conduct together
- Ex. The author’s daughters’ class came up with if someone was being too loud or interrupting, the whole class stood up and walked around the room and clapped their hands 10 times. It gives the loud child a direct responsibility and effect on their peers and teacher.
- Danes spend time thinking of how to avoid problems rather than punish them.
- They think about the child’s needs like those with ADHD or who have a hard time sitting still and how to be proactive in dealing with those behaviors.
Also, I think it’s important to know the difference between the battles and the war and not take every battle. Is it really important if he wants to wear the Batman shirt 2 days in a row? When he fights me on his coat I ask him what he wants to wear and usually it’s his favorite hoodie. As long as it’s not before 30 degrees I don’t fight him. I pack his coat in the car for when he finds out on his own that he’s cold.
Examples of no ultimatums:
Offering a way out, Take it away, distract, remove the child, use humor.
Explain the rules and ask for understanding.
You understand what can happen but they don’t. They don’t have experience or knowledge, right, so you have to explain it to them. The same as the coat. They don’t understand weather, you do. They don’t see why they have to wear a coat outside when inside they are warm and cozy. You either have to explain it to them or they need to feel the cold themselves so they learn.
When I start to feel myself fret over things like this I try to stop myself and think like them—do they understand why I am saying this or what it means? And then rephrase or explain further.
TOGETHERNESS/HYGGE
Hygge (pronounced hooga) means “to cozy around together”
Involves lighting candles, playing games, eating nice meals, having cake and tea, and just being in each other’s company in a cozy atmosphere. Think Ikea. A lot of those rooms are cozy.
It was very interesting to hear the view of one of the writers who is American vs the Dane. The American had trouble with this concept and when it was described in the book I smiled because it’s so true.
“They (her family) could only be around each other for limited amounts of time, after which they would need a break from each other”.
It’s so true, our first American reaction is–-what?! That’s too much time together.
“Research shows that one of the top predictors of well-being and happiness is quality time with friends and family”.
True of the Blue Zones (the areas in the world that promote longevity) as well. Being close to family and having groups of friends to gather with–there has to be a correlation, if again, all these different ideas and concepts are saying the same thing.
It’s a way of life. For Christmas they all get together and all chip in to do the work. Older children play with the younger ones. They play games and make sure everyone is participating. They leave personal problems behind and help with the cooking and cleaning. They don’t complain or sit on their phones. Sounds like a Christmas I wanna get behind.
In America, we’re built on the philosophy of self-reliance. We don’t really need others and it’s the survival of the fittest mentality. They make a good point about sports here–we don’t talk about the team effort, we talk about the individuals who stand out. You think Tom Brady won those Super Bowls by himself? And yet, all they talk about is him. I can’t name you anyone else on the team.
It’s not to say there aren’t communities who look out for the WE but overall, we are very concerned about ourselves and being a winner.
Danish hot tip: “When you substitute “we” for “I”, even “Illness” becomes “wellness”
CONCLUSION
This was a long post, sorry. I was excited to share this with the world.
Danes have been voted the top 3 happiest people in the world by the OECD almost every year since 1973. The new list came out March 2023: https://worldhappiness.report/news/happiest-countries
As of right now, Denmark is ranked 2nd and the U.S. is ranked 15th. And if you look at the top 8, the majority of those countries are pretty cold. The authors of the book make a good point in their introduction: “It can’t be the high taxes or the cold, dark winters..” that makes them the happiest and conclude that it must be their upbringing and environment. Something to think about.
Listen, nobody’s perfect. And I’m sure Danes lose their shit once in a while. But I do believe that we CAN try to learn from each other and pick out the things that resonate with us, that we can keep in our toolkit and can apply to our own families to be better.
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Life With Purpose (And Other Things) 