Any other parents out there having a fun time in toddlerville? We had a rough 3 week period of intense meltdowns—everything and everyone was against him it seemed and he would just lose his shit. I’m calling it his Angsty Period and hopefully he doesn’t have another one until he’s a teenager.
It’s always interesting to me to see who a child becomes compared to who their family is. Are they similar? Are they completely different? Do they not even look like they belong to the same group?
I’ve always been interested in the research of nurture vs nature.
Obviously, it is easy to pinpoint what is learned based on the environment–music choices, eating habits, if a child reads a lot, or is ok with noise or prefers silence.
It’s harder to pinpoint why a child is drawn to dinosaurs when you’ve never talked about them or is interested in sports that you’ve never exposed them to. So there has to be a level of personality that is just written in the stars or wherever you believe we get our soul or essence from.
I’ve always been fascinated that there are 3 of us siblings in my family, raised by the same two parents, with the same experiences, and yet we are all very different. We remember events differently. We remember certain things that the other didn’t even notice which really boggles my mind. How does that happen?! Its fascinating.
My child is wild. He’s fearless in some aspects, and shy in others. I don’t think I was like that. I think I was a pretty calm child. I liked to read and be by myself. And I loved music and books and acting and didn’t mind being the center of attention.
My son does not. He doesn’t want people watching him or all eyes looking at him when they sing happy birthday (this year he didn’t want candles and we couldn’t say his name in the song, we had to say happy birthday ‘to rainbows’. Do you, kid). He’s quiet around people outside of our household but inside the house is so funny and silly and talks up a storm. He will jump in a puddle without hesitation or into a pool even though he doesn’t officially know how to swim. But he has a breakdown if there’s too many people he doesn’t know in a room looking at him. Or is too scared to try certain things in the playground.
But like me, he needs to be in a bed to sleep–quiet and dark. He’s not a stroller sleeper, he’s constantly observing and aware of his surroundings.
He will tantrum on the floor and not care if you walk away from him. He will just look at you until you cave in. I did not do this as a child but my sister did.
We didn’t teach him those things. Him liking a certain song makes sense if we’ve exposed him to it (Hey Mama, Black Eyed Peas) but puddle jumping we did not teach him. Maybe Peppa Pig did.
My sister and I joke that we got each other as children. My nephew doesn’t mind being the center of attention and performing and is pretty easy going. I don’t see a lot of performances in my future. My kid might be the one behind the scenes. And that’s fine.
I think the best thing we can do is really step back and take a look at our child and identify what are their own thoughts and beliefs and likes and dislikes and what we imposed (most of the time unintentionally) on them or are pushing them to be.
My son has started complaining about people taking our parking spots when we’re driving onto our block. I realized that I was doing that a little too much out loud when we were in the car together so I’m trying to be mindful of that and stop. That’s something he doesn’t need to worry about and something I inadvertently gave him.
That’s all we can do right, try to be more mindful and correct our “bad behaviors” and give our kids the good ones. And hopefully this generation can be better than we are.
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I’m on time this month! What a crazy month it was too.
WHAT I’VE BEEN UP TO:
The first daycare illness has found us. At least it happened on a holiday weekend so I only had to take one day off of work. And thankfully as he gets older, he only gets sick every 1-2 months now instead of every TWO WEEKS like he did at the start of daycare. I’ll take that as a win.
Of course I caught it the next week so I was out of work for 2 days. Fun times.
Have done a lot of reading and 2 books came the same time in the library app so I am currently juggling 4 different books. Good thing I’m a fast reader. Started a book club at work so we can discuss Britney Spears’ new book—-holy crap. Only on chapter 8 and her family is freaking terrible. And yes, I believe that most of that is true. They used her her whole life. That was evident.
WHAT WE ATE:
Been working with a dietician so again, nothing really fun this month. I’ve been pretty strict with what I eat and working on upping my protein as someone who doesn’t really like to eat meat. We always underestimate what we eat but when you actually track it, you can find holes in what you need to work on. And it’s always good to ask for help some times. I’m hoping there’s some fun eats next month though.
WHAT I READ:
Ten Years A Nomad by Matt Kepnes
At The End Of The Matinee by Keiichiro Hirano
Impossible To Ignore by Carmen Simon
WHAT I WATCHED:
The Amazing Race is back! I’ve always loved that show and live vicariously through their adventures. I don’t have the balls to do it. And my husband says he won’t race with me anyway. But I need his stick driving experience and ability to eat weird shit!
Kitchen Nightmares is another one that has returned–holy shit, the things that go on in kitchens. It’s terrifying.
A lot of shows are back so I’m a bit overwhelmed again with my DVR since I have no time to actually watch anything.
TODDLER CORNER:
Went to the Bronx zoo this month for Boo at the Zoo and finished outdoor soccer even though we barely began since it was raining every single weekend. Going to try indoor soccer next maybe he’ll be less distracted without the acorns on the ground.
Went to his first local carnival. It was small thankfully so not too overwhelming and one of his classmates from school was there which was nice for him to see kids outside of school. Went on his first ride solo–a slow train which was great. Then he went on a boat that went faster than we ALL anticipated. He cried and I had to get him off. Poor guy. He’s a slow ride kinda kid.
Finally got to go trick or treating this year. Last year daycare gifted him hand foot mouth disease so we did nothing. He actually got to go with other kids and dress in a costume he picked (mickey mouse). So cute.
FAVORITE PIC OF THE MONTH:
First time trick or treating success!
WHAT I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO NEXT MONTH:
My sons 3rd birthday party! And hopefully a quiet Thanksgiving and seeing some friends we haven’t seen in FOREVER.
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My son started soccer this month, first sport. He’s in the 2-3 age bracket so really it’s just them learning how to run in a straight line and mostly chasing butterflies.
The first class was eye opening.
He wore this shirt all of a minute before declaring that he would not. Ever again. And hasn’t. I have to give it to him, that he does know his own mind. But I’d also he just participate instead of us fighting about him wearing a shirt every time. (picture by Natasha Penoro)
The way some of these parents speak to their kids is appalling. I couldn’t believe the things I was hearing. They’re 2 years old!
It really reinforced what I’ve been preaching recently, that the language and what we say to our kids shapes them and is SOOOO important. I saw flashes of these poor kids in the future with the problems I see in middle school and high school.
If ¼ of the kids now are getting no empathy, sympathy, hugs, or positive words, no wonder there are so many acting out.
You could see the first kid was a little shy and nervous about being there and the father kept pushing him, ‘you’re fine, you’ve done this before, what is your problem?’ Pushing him, pushing him, the whole time.
The kids were new to each other, so yes, he may have done it before but that doesn’t mean that he was comfortable with everyone. And the father didn’t even take a moment to consider that.
The second family blew my mind. This girl was about 2.5 years old and was losing her shit. They got there late and then pushed her onto the field. She had a meltdown of course. Also this class is 11am for toddlers. That’s very close to lunch time and nap time. I was expecting mine to lose his shit but he was actually ok miraculously.
The father kept pushing her to stand up and they were yelling at her to participate. She would claw at his pants and want to be picked up. He could’ve stopped for one second to give her a hug. Not one positive word.
I heard the parents say they would take things away for not participating. This is 2 year old soccer, this isn’t even competitive. I was disgusted.
She calmed down a couple times and the coach spoke to her and she did something and then I handed her a cone to bring over and she did it. Interesting that she did fine with others, so maybe those parents needed to self reflect on their parenting and being a fucking human being. But I digress.
She did participate towards the end and went and scored a goal. They didn’t even cheer for her and the rest of us cheered for all the kids every time.
At the end, the kids got stickers. As we were leaving I heard the mom go “you shouldn’t have gotten any, you didn’t even do anything”.
If I felt that in my gut, what do you think a 2 year old feels?
And this is why everyone is having conversations about childhood “trauma”, emotional baggage, self esteem, anxiety and shame. It happens so often and in a blink of an eye. We’ve all been there, words come tumbling out of our mouths and we don’t even think in frustration. It’s not about NOT making mistakes (we will), it’s about how do you correct that to repair your relationship with your child.
Because right now, I think that little girl is feeling like she’s not worthy, she can’t do anything right, her parents are always mad at her and she failed. Instead of being celebrated for what she DID do that day and have the courage and self esteem to keep getting better at it.
I was so disgusted and feel like it’s just going to get worse as they get older. I may not be able to do team sports—I always want to step in and help the kids when they are having a difficult time. And it’s even worse, when they are having a hard time because of their own parents.
My kid may have to do solo activities. These parents are going to make my blood pressure rise and I have perfect blood pressure, thank you very much.
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Back with my September wrap up a few days late. At least I’m consistent with my tardiness.
What I’ve Been Up To:
Warding off the back to school germs. A cold got me for a couple days.
My reading game has been on point. I’ve been learning about Human Design (woowoo stuff but I love it).
Still trying to decide what to do for my son’s 3rd birthday in November and it’s creeping up.
Trying to be better about my eating so I started tracking macros again and saw a dietician.
What We Ate:
Nothing too fun. I started counting my macros again because the scale just kept going up up up. I feel much better but I still think about burgers and french fries and ice cream on the regular.
What I Read:
I took a break this month from reading heavy things and learning. My brain needed a break. Although learning about human design is fascinating and I’m trying to learn how to read peoples charts
Human Design by Chetan Parkyn
Unsweetined by Jodie Sweetin
I’m Glad my Mother Died by Jennette McCurdy (both these girls were child actors and holy crap their lives were wild before they were 30)
And Then She Vanished by Nick Jones
What I Watched:
Breeders on Hulu
Live To 100 Secrets of the Blue Zones on Netflix
and started the new season of Only Murders In The Building. I don’t know what it is but this show makes me want to stay up all night and watch the whole thing through
Toddler Corner:
Started soccer on the weekends and continued swimming.
He’s getting better at imaginative play so we’ve been playing doctor a lot. This age has a lot of ups and downs–one minute you’re having the time of your life and the next minute the whole world is against you and you lose it. Every day is an adventure.
He’s begun repeating what I say–Apparently I say “these people!” a lot while driving and also “fucking fucks”. We’ve agreed that I will replace that with peanuthead (when I remember).
Favorite Pic Of The Month:
I started using this board at work and writing funny or inspirations messages on it daily for my coworkers. They actually look forward to it. I also include a funny ‘holiday’.
What I’m Looking Forward To Next Month:
Consistent Fall weather, sleeping with the windows open, getting better at finding time to meal prep for the week.
** Thanks for listening!Don’t forget to like, subscribe, comment and share. It helps me know I’m not just talking to myself **
This was not only about parenting, but how to live your life. Written by a Danish ex-teacher/psychotherapist and an American cultural researcher married to a Dane for over a decade who lived in Denmark for a while. They wanted to find out what makes Danish kids and parents the happiest people on earth. What do they do differently to give them this title?
The common thing is that they focus on how we relate to the child, but also focus on the type of environment we give them, and how we respond in certain situations. It’s not only about the child, it’s also about the adults. And a common theme that I’ve been learning about, is that we first have to deal with ourselves before we can deal with our children and their learning and behavior.
I like that she is an American who can give us the Danish perspective but also can give us the comparison to our country and way of life because she lived both. It’s not just a Danish person telling us how good they are and what we can do better. Their framework is below:
PARENT
P: play
A: authenticity
R: reframing
E: empathy
N: no ultimatums
T: togetherness or Hygge (coziness)
These sound like all relatively easy concepts and ideas to understand and put into practice.
PLAY
“Play” meaning left to their own devices to play by themselves or with other kids, how they want and how long they want.
Play is the most important thing for kids to do. It teaches them resilience, how to deal with stress, and deal with other kids and personalities. In the US, studies are showing the decrease in play is what is contributing to anxiety in children. We push kids to join sports and dance and do all these extracurriculars and to do competitions so they can win, but when do they have time to play? We hear other people filling their kids schedules, and think maybe we’re doing the wrong thing by not doing that, so we do it too.
I’ve been thinking about this recently too. When I think back to Kindergarten, we had play time for most of the day AND nap time. And I still learned how to write my name and to add. There must’ve been something to that and I really feel that removal is what is leading our kids to be behind (plus the introduction and distractions of technology). Now, 3K is like Kindergarten and we force them to sit and learn and by 4k there isn’t nap time. No wonder that by the time they get to middle school they rebel—they’re sick of doing work! Recess is squeezed into the lunch period which is barely enough time for these kids to move. And then we wonder why childhood obesity is on the rise in this country as well.
I liked the Swedish idea of Play Patrol—play for the younger elementary students is facilitated by the older ones. They play things like hide and seek and encourage all to join in. It seems to reduce bullying and foster social skills and self control.
Fun fact: Legos were made by a dane in 1932 and means “play well”
Authenticity
“For Danes, authenticity begins with an understanding of our own emotions. If we teach our children to recognize and accept their authentic feelings, good and bad, and act in a way that’s consistent with tier values, the challenges and rough patches in life won’t topple them”
Once again the theme of knowing ourselves and being resilient comes up as it did in Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly. These themes continue so it must say something about how we should be operating if all these different ideas and viewpoints are saying the same things
They do not over praise their children. If a child gives you a scribble drawing, people usually would say, ‘wow you’re such a good artist!’. Instead, they focus on asking about the drawing itself–why did you choose those colors? What is it? The same sort of idea for Montessori as well
Interesting fact: “studies conducted on cheating in schools confirm that students today are far more likely to cheat in order to get high grades than in previous generations, a reflection of increased pressure to achieve coupled, in many cases, with a fixed mind-set”
REFRAMING
Language is important to create a perception shift–in our children AND ourselves.
“Danish parents are good at helping their children conceptualize their emotions and then guiding them into finding something more constructive, instead of a disparaging or limited belief. This is the heart of reframing”.
Realistic optimism– Danes teach their kids early to reframe that leads to resilience as adults.
I liked this example: ask a Dane what he thinks of the weather when it’s freezing and raining. He’ll answer such things as “Glad I’m not on holiday!” and “it’s a good thing I’m at work”.
It’s not just being exaggeratedly positive, they don’t think everything is rainbows and unicorns, they just think that there is another side of the coin. One that maybe we didn’t consider and maybe we should for our own benefit.
My favorite saying I’ve heard is “There isn’t bad weather, only bad clothing!”
I try to always remember that and it really helps to flip my perspective when I think that I can’t take my child outside. As long as it’s not dangerous, what’s the problem? Put on an extra layer and go have fun. Kids don’t think of those things. They just see the stick they want to bang around and the leaves to jump in. WE have a problem.
Limiting language– when we say things like ‘I’m terrible at cooking’ and ‘I’m bad at math’ it is very limiting. And when we say these things in front of our kids we are just showing them that if we don’t believe we can, then they shouldn’t either. Monkey see, monkey do. That is why it is very important for us to be mindful of our words
Just as Brene Brown says, we can be messy but we are not a mess. So again, if kids are constantly hearing from you, ‘he never listens’ or ‘she’s a picky eater’ over and over again, they start to believe it right. Self fulfilling prophecy.
Shift focus from what you can’t do, to what you can do
Use humor to reframe
EMPATHY
“Empathy is the ability to recognize and understand the feelings of others. It is the ability to feel what someone else feels–not only to feel for him but to feel with him”
Studies show that empathy has dropped since the 1980’s but narcissism has increased twofold. “Narcissism is an inflated view of the self, which tends to separate the self from others and to inhibit formation of meaningful relationships”.
They go on to question whether we are able to open up to others to say what is going on with us or our kids and that it seems like we are doing it less because people don’t want to be vulnerable and seem like a bad parent.
We have started to see more of that opening up on social media and I personally always try to share the bad and the good and use humor to relate to people. Because we have all gone through this, or are going through this, but for some reason we feel the need to hide it. To hide behind only the good pics on social media.
This book even references Brene Brown and her idea that people are afraid to be vulnerable because they are afraid of disconnection. “We so much want social connection that we become afraid to say something that might make another person reject us”. But being vulnerable is what brings us closer so you can see how that is a problem.
How do the Danes learn to be empathic?
There is a mandatory national program as early as preschool called Step by Step. Kids are shown pictures of different emotions and talk about them. They learn empathy, problem solving, self-control, and how to read facial expressions.
Another program is called CAT-kit. This is used to improve emotional awareness and empathy and focuses on how to articulate experiences, thoughts, feelings, and senses.
The Mary Foundation (created by Princess Mary), has an anti bullying program–Free of Bullying. 3-8 year olds talk about bullying and teasing so they can learn to become more caring toward each other. 98% of teachers say they would recommend it to other institutions.
In school they mix children of different strengths and weaknesses together. They put together outgoing students with shy ones and strong academics with weaker ones, this is done subtly after the teacher gets to know everyone and then seats them accordingly. The goal is that everyone has positive qualities and tries to help each other reach the next level. It fosters collaboration, teamwork, and respect
In Denmark empathy is taught in the classroom from young until 16 years old. We, in America, have no real curriculum for this. We don’t think of the child as a person who needs to learn and grow and be a part of our society as an adult, we see them as a test taking stat. Academics is one thing, but once they graduate from school, they become a citizen of our community–are we making the best citizens we can?
I can tell you, we don’t do things like this in our school system. Maybe there’s a school out there that’s an outlier but we phone it in as with most things. We have a day celebration of something or put up posters about bullying and mindfulness and call it a good job. Imagine teaching these things from young as a way of life. You learn by repetition and modeling not doing something once in a while.
They also point out emotions of others and say things like:
‘Victor is crying. Why do you think he’s crying?’
‘I can see you’re upset, can you try to tell me why?’
They don’t say things like :
‘You have nothing to cry about–stop crying!’
‘You should be happy!’
NO ULTIMATUMS
Ultimatums are an immediate conflict– I win, you lose
This book cited that 19 states in the U.S. still allow corporal punishment (hitting students with a cane or paddle for misbehaving) in schools and are technically still allowed in private schools. I was a little shocked by these stats.
Danish schools promote democracy by having students create the rules together with their teacher every year
Teachers discuss what it means to have a good class and what values and behaviors they think they should implement
Everyone decides on a code of conduct together
Ex. The author’s daughters’ class came up with if someone was being too loud or interrupting, the whole class stood up and walked around the room and clapped their hands 10 times. It gives the loud child a direct responsibility and effect on their peers and teacher.
Danes spend time thinking of how to avoid problems rather than punish them.
They think about the child’s needs like those with ADHD or who have a hard time sitting still and how to be proactive in dealing with those behaviors.
Also, I think it’s important to know the difference between the battles and the war and not take every battle. Is it really important if he wants to wear the Batman shirt 2 days in a row? When he fights me on his coat I ask him what he wants to wear and usually it’s his favorite hoodie. As long as it’s not before 30 degrees I don’t fight him. I pack his coat in the car for when he finds out on his own that he’s cold.
Examples of no ultimatums:
Offering a way out, Take it away, distract, remove the child, use humor.
Explain the rules and ask for understanding.
You understand what can happen but they don’t. They don’t have experience or knowledge, right, so you have to explain it to them. The same as the coat. They don’t understand weather, you do. They don’t see why they have to wear a coat outside when inside they are warm and cozy. You either have to explain it to them or they need to feel the cold themselves so they learn.
When I start to feel myself fret over things like this I try to stop myself and think like them—do they understand why I am saying this or what it means? And then rephrase or explain further.
TOGETHERNESS/HYGGE
Hygge (pronounced hooga) means “to cozy around together”
Involves lighting candles, playing games, eating nice meals, having cake and tea, and just being in each other’s company in a cozy atmosphere. Think Ikea. A lot of those rooms are cozy.
It was very interesting to hear the view of one of the writers who is American vs the Dane. The American had trouble with this concept and when it was described in the book I smiled because it’s so true.
“They (her family) could only be around each other for limited amounts of time, after which they would need a break from each other”.
It’s so true, our first American reaction is–-what?! That’s too much time together.
“Research shows that one of the top predictors of well-being and happiness is quality time with friends and family”.
True of the Blue Zones (the areas in the world that promote longevity) as well. Being close to family and having groups of friends to gather with–there has to be a correlation, if again, all these different ideas and concepts are saying the same thing.
It’s a way of life. For Christmas they all get together and all chip in to do the work. Older children play with the younger ones. They play games and make sure everyone is participating. They leave personal problems behind and help with the cooking and cleaning. They don’t complain or sit on their phones. Sounds like a Christmas I wanna get behind.
In America, we’re built on the philosophy of self-reliance. We don’t really need others and it’s the survival of the fittest mentality. They make a good point about sports here–we don’t talk about the team effort, we talk about the individuals who stand out. You think Tom Brady won those Super Bowls by himself? And yet, all they talk about is him. I can’t name you anyone else on the team.
It’s not to say there aren’t communities who look out for the WE but overall, we are very concerned about ourselves and being a winner.
Danish hot tip: “When you substitute “we” for “I”, even “Illness” becomes “wellness”
CONCLUSION
This was a long post, sorry. I was excited to share this with the world.
As of right now, Denmark is ranked 2nd and the U.S. is ranked 15th. And if you look at the top 8, the majority of those countries are pretty cold. The authors of the book make a good point in their introduction: “It can’t be the high taxes or the cold, dark winters..” that makes them the happiest and conclude that it must be their upbringing and environment. Something to think about.
Listen, nobody’s perfect. And I’m sure Danes lose their shit once in a while. But I do believe that we CAN try to learn from each other and pick out the things that resonate with us, that we can keep in our toolkit and can apply to our own families to be better.
** Thanks for listening!Don’t forget to like, subscribe, comment and share. It helps me know I’m not just talking to myself **
Life With Purpose (And Other Things) 